It was really only last year that I realized that and started making an effort to ask myself, every time I started to feel differently on various subjects, trivial and important, if it was really me that was changing my mind, or was it just the emotions of the other person affecting my own emotions.
I've learned that I need to talk things through. I talk them through in my head, then I talk them through with Lone Wolf and then if I'm still not sure where I stand, I write it out and do more research (on important stuff at least lol) and take my time in figuring out just what I think and what I feel.
This has caused no end of trouble in my life I can tell you. It really started to manifest when I was a teenager and right around the same time, I began dealing with a situation in my home life that I am not going to get into, and wish that no one else would ever have to go through, with my step-father. And being a teenager, I was dealing with the gamut of emotions that go through a regular teen and all of the teens around me. I became a trouble magnet.
So what does this have to do with anything today? Well, two situations brought this whole train to the forefront of my thoughts. Yesterday morning, I signed on to Facebook to find a friend request from my (now ex) step-father. And, Stubborn (aka aunt Bane's husband) is back in the hospital and under going surgery.
Let me tell you, I freaked about the request. I was shaking and ready to cry because I was so mad and upset. The worst part was that I had to drive Grandma to church before I could talk it through with Lone Wolf, so I was running it through my thoughts the whole way there and back. The way I saw it, I had three options. Give him a chance to make his explanations and excuses and then ignore him, deny him but send him a message telling him exactly where he could stick his friend request along with a few other choice words, or ignore it.
When I was able to talk it through with Lone Wolf, he showed me that I was still, after almost 15 years, allowing him to control my emotions. The thing I love about Lone Wolf is that he doesn't try to sway my thoughts or emotions, he talks through these things with me, allowing me to come to my own conclusions, while still giving his own perspective. I realized that he was right (as always). After a decade and a half, just to see his name on a website forced such a strong reaction out of me, it could have been like he was standing right in front of me. But why? He is not a part of my life and I can choose to never let him be. And so I chose to not allow him to appeal to the softness of my heart by letting him rehash all the crap he put me and my whole family through, and I also chose not to waste the stress and energy it would take to pour out my wrath.
I can't begin to tell you how liberating it was to click that ignore button.
The other situation with Stubborn, was what reminded me that I really need to work on shielding myself from the emotions of others in stressful situations. Every time someone gets really sick, or ends up in the hospital, I start to get feelings of impending death. I felt that way both times he was in to get his legs removed. I started feeling that way now. Might he die? Yes, it is a possibility, because he is not doing well. BUT I realized that my feelings on this were not intuition or premonition. I am picking up on the fears of those around me. Once I was able to block those feelings flowing from other people, I was able to look at the situation much more objectively.
Okay, so why am I blogging about all this? I don't really know. It feels good to get it all out, and maybe, it might help some other empath out there struggling with the constant onslaught of everyday emotions.
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